I'd Rather Not Go
by Midna Hytwilian
Summary: On Thanksgiving Day, Vaati and Claire's daughter finds herself in Hyrule. Determined to find their daughter, the two set out with their friends to find her. But when Dark Link tricks Claire, things will go deeply astray. Follow the zany sequal of IRD!
1. The Start of an Adventure

* * *

Disclaimer: I own almost everyone. Wahoo!

A/N: I'm back!!!!!

Preview: Would you two quit plotting world domination?

Chapter 1. The Start of an Adventure

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"Get the damn door or I swear I will hit you with this rolling pin!" Claire's voice echoed through the apartment.

"Like that's going to do anything to me." Vaati rolled his eyes.

"I HEARD THAT!"

"Hey, Dad." A tall brown haired and green eyed boy walked in. He sat down on the couch and put his legs on the coffee table.

"Claire, some nutjob just put his feet on the table."

"I thought we got him out of the house last year." She walked in. "Jesus, Greg, do you have to put your feet on my nice coffee table?"

"Sorry, Mom. I'm just exhausted." Greg yawned. "I was working all day on that robot my group and I are putting together."

"Remember to get us a good spot when you take over the world." Vaati winked.

"I'm working on it."

"Would you two quit plotting world domination?"

"But my robot's going to accomplish it."

"I wish I had a robot."

"No robots for you." Claire pointed a finger at her husband. "I swear to god, if you got a robot the whole world would be doomed. Hell, we're already fucked."

A small little girl with golden blonde picktails and dark brown eyes walked into the room, carrying a small teddy bear with her. "GREGGY!" She squealed and leapt into his arms.

"Hey Vixie!"

"Greg, did you bring me anything?"

"You bet I did! I got you a book all about flowers."

"Pretty flowers?"

"Not as pretty as you."

Vixie hugged her older adopted brother before turning to her father who had turned his attention to a book. "Dad, am I prettier then a flower?"

"More gorgeous then a princess."

"Yay!"

"Easy score for Vaati." Claire called from the kitchen.

"Jealousy is such a petty thing, wouldn't you agree?" Vaati glanced at Greg.

"Don't look at me, I'm staying out of this."

"Vixie, why don't you help me in the kitchen?"

"Okay, Mom!"

The doorbell rang.

"Mind getting that?" The oldest female shouted.

Greg glanced at Vaati, who just so happened to be ignoring the doorbell that was going off every two seconds. "I'll get it." He unlocked the door to reveal five different people.

"It was a one-eyed-one-horned-giant-flying-purple-people-eater." A voice sang.

"Xander, would you stop singing? You've been going at it for the past two hours!" Xander's wife, Elizabeth, laughed.

"Hey, Uncle Xander, Aunt Elizabeth, Via, Claire, Sunny." Greg gave them each hugs.

Xander ran ahead of the other four and tackled Vaati, thus making him lose his spot in his book. "VAATI!!!!"

"Get the hell off of me!"

"WATCH THE LANGUAGE!"

"Oh come off it, Claire!"

"Oh, oh, oh, oh, Claire do you have cheese and crackers?!" Xander ran into the kitchen.

"Hello, Vaati. How has everything been?" Elizabeth greeted.

"Hectic, how else should it be going?"

"With kids...hectic."

Greg laughed. "I am so not having kids."

"That's what they all say..." The two groaned.

Meanwhile, the little ones already began making noise, save for Vixie who was currently eating cheese and crackers with the fun-loving Xander. An hour or so passed of conversation when the doorbell rang again.

Xander jumped up from a chair in the kitchen and ran towards the door, he hissed at Elizabeth who was going to open the door.

"Jesus, Xander, chill out. You can open it, yeesh." His wife sat down and flipped through the channels.

He flung open the door. "CRIMS!!!!" He squeezed his cousin hard. "How's it going?"

"Same ol', same ol'. I just talked to you last week. RAI GET YOUR FUCKING ASS UP HERE!" She called down the hall.

"I HAVE KIDS, YOU KNOW!" Rai's voice shouted back.

Rai soon entered the living room with two girls, Elis and Grace.

"Where's Hector?" Claire walked into the room.

"Sick." Rai shrugged. "So how's everything going with you two?"

"Alrighty. Vixie's been doing good in school. Can you believe she'll be in Fourth Grade next year?"

"They grow up pretty quick..."

"I'm thinking about having kids." Crims joined the conversation.

"Don't." The two ordered in unison.

--

"So, how are you guys?" Xander sat next to Vaati.

"We just talked to you last week, things haven't changed." He glared.

"What?"

"Remove the arm."

"Yes sir."

--

"Hey Vixie, want to play princesses?" The girls ran up to her.

"Via's going to be the prince! It's going to be lots of fun..." Sunbeam nudged the youngest girl.

"Or we could just forget about it and watch TV like the adults." Claire rolled her eyes.

"I'd rather go read something." Elis shrugged.

"Why don't we ask play Truth or Dare?" Grace suggested.

"I want to play princesses, though!" Vixie whined.

"All in favor of Truth or Dare, raise your hands!" Elis ordered.

Every hand went up, safe for Vixie's.

"Hey, where's Via?" Sunbeam looked around.

--

"Somebody help..." Via whispered.

He was currently surrounded by two cats.

--

"Meh, he's probably fine." Claire shrugged.

"I'm going to go help my Mom make the turkey." Vixie sighed and left the group of teenaged girls.

--

"Dinner's almost done, everyone!"

"What about turduckins? Those are really tasty! I like them almost as much as cheese and crackers." Xander sighed romantically.

"You probably would've married cheese and crackers if it were legal." Elizabeth murmured.

"Fortunatly for you, it is not legal." Vaati leaned back.

"If only, if only..."

"You have a model for a wife and you are complaining over the fact that you cannot marry food?"

"LLAMA!"

"If the kids were not around, I swear I'd-"

"Mom told me to tell you guys that dinner's done and that she wants everyone to come in now." Greg walked into the living room.

* * *

"So then Vaati puts up this big fight about a haircut! It was hillarious." Rai laughed.

"He still does." Claire told the group.

"It's almost impossible to get Xander to cut his hair." Elizabeth nodded.

"We like our hair long, what's wrong with that?" Xander whined.

"You shouldn't have asked that." Vaati sighed. "Here comes the speech."

"Your hair can catch on fire or get stuck in a door during a fire! Your hair would be your downfall!" Crims, Rai, Claire, and Elizabeth spoke in unison.

"Dear god, that is scary." Greg cringed. "How do they do that?"

Xander shivered. "T-t-then how come you girls can have long hair?"

Vaati pinched the bridge of his nose. "You shouldn't have asked that, either."

"Because we're females!" They shouted.

--

"Okay, Truth or Dare, Vixie?" Sunbeam asked at the kid's table.

"Dare!" Her eyes were determined.

"Umm...I dare you to..." Elis started.

"We dare you to sneak into your parents room and bring something back to us!" Claire cut her off.

Vixie's face paled. "But my parents don't let me in there."

"That's the point of a dare." Grace explained. "It usually is something emberassing or forbidden."

"Forbidwen?"

"For-bidd-en. It means not allowed." Sunbeam stated.

"You don't have to do it if you're a baby." Claire smirked.

"I'm not a baby!"

"Then do it!"

"FINE!" Vixie stormed off towards her parents' room. "I'll show them I'm not a stupid baby!"

Vixie was ten years old and had a temper, much like her father. She was just as stubborn as the two of her parents and once she got an idea in her head, she was determined to go through with it. In a sense, she was more like Vaati then Claire.

She walked through the halls and into her parents' room, closing the door shut as she did so. She couldn't remember the last time she had been in this room and wandered around a bit, touching objects as she went.

"Oh, that's pretty..." Vixie murmured as she touched her mother's crystal necklace. She was about to take it to show as prove when something caught her eye. It was a small red velvet box with a gold bow, simple and yet elegent. Slowly, she inched her way over to it until she was only a touch away. Carefully, she opened the box and her eyes widened at the sight of the small necklace. It was the oddest thing she had ever seen, a triangle with three triangles inside.

The young girl touched the necklace when a white light began to glow around her as she began to fade. "What's going on? Mom, Dad, Uncle Xander...AUNT RAI, AUNT CRIMS, ANYBODY!?!" Her shrieks went unheard by the noise in the dinning room. In just seconds, Vixie was gone.

* * *


	2. First Train Home

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Disclaimer: I only own Claire, Elizabeth, Elis, Grace, Sunbeam, Via, Greg, Vixie, and Claire-Xander's kid. CrimsonDarkness 0013 owns Crims and Xander. WerexVampxGirl owns Rai. Nintendo owns the rest.

A/N: Hi!

Preview: You are telling me that OUR daughter was just sent off to LA-LA-LAND?!

Chapter 2 First Train Home

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Claire walked into the kitchen to scrub the dishes when she glanced at the girls. "Where's Vixie?"

Sunbeam did her best to get her thoughts off of Vixie. "Hi Auntie Claire, Happy Thanksgiving!"

"You haven't called me Auntie Claire in six years, fess up."

"We dared her to go into your room and bring back something a prove." Grace sighed.

"Alright, Vaati's always the one to insist she not go in there, anyway. When did you guys send her in there, cause Vaati will not be happy when he gets back."

The girls stared at each other in realization at how much time had actually passed. "SHE'S BEEN GONE AN HOUR!" They darted towards the bedroom.

"An hour?!" Claire screamed. She ran into the other rooms, looking frantically around for her daughter. "RAI, VIXIE'S MISSING! CHECK OUTSIDE FOR ME!"

Rai stepped out onto the back porch and looked down to see if the little girl was in the backyard. She walked back in, trying her best not to scare Claire furthur. "She's not outside."

Crims walked inside, also. "She isn't in the front, either."

Claire frantically dialed a number. "Elizabeth is she at the general store?"

Some words were exchanged before Claire broke into tears. She pulled out the cellphone again and dialed, then hung up, she dialed a second time, then hung up. "I can't get them on the phone. I'm going to have to go down there. You guys stay here and watch out for Vixie."

The girls nodded as Greg came out of the bathroom and Claire slipped out the door.

* * *

"Vaati! Xander!" Claire's distressed voice called out.

The two men turned towards her.

"What's wrong, needed more towel paper?" Vaati grinned.

"Vixie's missing." She sobbed.

Xander's jaw dropped. "Forget the stuff, Vaati! I'll take care of this."

Vaati grabbed Xander's arm and pulled him out of the shop with the sobbing Claire. "You're coming too."

* * *

The three stood on the subway platform, impattiently tapping their feet.

"First train home, I've got to get on it." Claire mumbled.

Xander jumped up and down, claiming he really had to pee due to the fact he had one too many sodas.

Vaati let out a frustrated sigh. "How long does it take?!"

"First train home, I-"

"Would you stop that?" He snapped.

"MY DAUGHTER IS MISSING, COMFORT ME YOU ASSHOLE!" She shouted.

Xander inched away from the married couple. "I'm just going to go dance with this blind guy. Come on, blind guy, let's dance." He grabbed a random man's hand and pulled him into a dance.

"I'M JUST UPSET AS YOU ARE! AND SHE IS OUR DAUGHTER, REMEMBER, MY SPERM HELPED!"

"ARE YOU CALLING ME A SLUT?"

"IF THE SHOE FITS!"

"YOU PURPLE LOVING BASTARD!"

Crowd began to form as the two shouted anything they could think of, true or not. "I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOUR COOKING!"

"IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?"

"YOU FUCKED XANDER AT THE AGE OF TWELVE!"

Xander flinched. "Dude, leave me the frig out of this!"

"YOU FUCK GOATS!"

The subway arrived and the two snapped out of their fight. They glared at each other and in unison shouted at the other. "This isn't over just yet!"

* * *

The three darted into their house, all but forgetting the fight.

"Alright, Wind Boy, work your magic and find our freakin' daughter." Claire hissed.

He threw her a glare before sitting down. "I wouldn't be able to do that, Claire, and you know that. Where was she last?"

"The girls said they dared her to go to your room." Greg answered.

Vaati's face seemed to pale, if that were even possible. "Son of a bitch." He stood up and walked into the bedroom.

The adults followed close behind. "What's the matter?" Elizabeth questioned.

"That damn necklace, that's what! It's gone!"

Elizabeth's eyes widened, knowing the tale just as much as Xander and the rest.

Crims gulped. "You don't mean...?"

"Is that even possible?" Rai questioned.

"No way!" Xander yelled, almost excitedly.

"You are telling me that OUR daughter was just sent off to LA-LA-LAND?!"

"Hyrule, Claire, Hyrule. Have some respect." Xander rolled his eyes.

"It looks that way. I never did tell you how I got back, did I, Claire?"

She shook her head.

"It required me using the Dark Mirror and the Tri-Force replica. It was a mock transporting spell, designed for only transporting you to different worlds without side effects. Very useful, as you can see." He pointed to his ears, eyes, and hair. "Getting back with your powers is easy and only requires a simple spell."

"Are you telling me that WE are going to Hyrule to find Vixie?" Claire glanced nervously at Vaati.

"Not just us. I don't plan on getting murdered while there because you were too pissed to defend me against taking Hyrule over before. Xander, Rai, Crims, Elizabeth, grab your bags."

"I cannot believe it, we're going to Hyrule!" Xander jumped up and down with glee. He soon ran out of the room to grab his bags.

"What about the kids?" Elizabeth asked as Rai walked to her guest room.

"Greg can watch them." Crims shrugged as she walked back in.

Claire and the mothers left the room to say goodbye while Xander pestered Vaati with questions about Hyrule.

"Watch the kids and be a good boy. We're going to go get your sister back." Claire kissed Greg.

"Going to get Vixie back? You don't mean that you have to go to the cops, right?" He nervously laughed.

"Sure, cops..." Crims smirked when she walked in. "Just grabbing a bottle of water."

"We'll be gone for a week." Rai hugged her daughters. "Now be good girls for Cousin Greg, got it?"

"Got it!" The two nodded in unison.

"Where's Via?" Elizabeth glanced around.

--

"Mommy?" Via whimpered as the two cats hissed at him.

--

"He's somewhere." Sunbeam shrugged.

* * *

"Is everyone ready?"

"Yes." The group took a deep breath.

"Stay close to me and for the love of Nayru, don't do anything stupid, Xander."

"Hey!" Xander's wail faded with his body.

They were off to go save Vixie.

* * *

A/N: Yay rescue missions! This one is DEFINATLY different from the first one...

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	3. Roasted Wind Mage

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Disclaimer: I only own Claire, Elizabeth, Elis, Grace, Sunbeam, Via, Greg, Vixie, and Claire-Xander's kid. CrimsonDarkness 0013 owns Crims and Xander. WerexVampxGirl owns Rai. Nintendo owns the rest.

A/N: Hola

Preview: We're having roasted Wind Mage for dinner, dig in everyone!

Chapter 3. Roasted Wind Mage

* * *

The group landed ungracefully in Hyrule Field.

"Ow my ass!" Crims shouted.

"My spine!" Xander moaned.

"I think I broke a tooth." Rai yelled.

"Urgh, I think I dislocated my knee." Elizabeth groaned.

"Dpzrpmr hry zy gsvr piy pg yjr foty!" Claire's muffled voice shrieked.

"What did that shrew of a wife just say?"

Xander pulled Claire out of the dirt.

"YOU JACKASS!" She punched her husband in the gut.

"To Stone With You!"

In a very pissed off position, Claire was just now a mere statue. Rai examined Claire as she circled her. "Wow, she reacted pretty fast." She pointed out the fact that Claire's middle finger was sticking out and towards Vaati's direction.

He walked up to Claire's stone ear. "When I turn you back you are going to keep quiet." Vaati whispered sudectivly into her ear. "One, two...three."

From the bottom up, the stone disappated, freeing Claire of her prison. "I. Hate. Magic."

"Of course you do, dear." He waved a hand as he walked past her. "That's why you hated that lovely diamond ring I conjured up for you."

"He gave you a diamond ring?" Elizabeth whimpered. "HOW BIG WAS IT?!"

"The size of a peanut. I don't even like diamonds, they're too common." She dismissed it.

"ALL I GOT WAS A LOUSY CHEESE RING THAT GREW MOLD!" Elizabeth broke out into tears.

Xander pouted. "But I thought you loved cheese."

--

"Hey, where am I?" Vixie looked around as she sat on grass-or what she presumed to be grass.

"Get the fuck off of me!" A voice shouted from underneath her.

She winced at the curse but stood up nonetheless.

Black hair ruffled hair was revealed followed by a very pale face with red eyes. He grabbed his black cap and brushed off his perfectly clean black tunic.

"...Who are you?" She pursed her lips together as she looked him up and down. "You dress funny."

"I do not, ya little twirp! YOU dress funny." He snapped.

"I don't dress funny! My parents don't make me wear weird girly stuff."

"Your parents insist you dress like a boy? Where is society going?" He scoffed.

"What's society?"

"Ask your nutjob of a parents. I'm not your lousy babysitter."

"I don't know where my parents are. I don't even know where _I_ am."

"Lousy forginners." He muttered under his breath. "You are in Hyrule." He took a step towards her.

She took a step back.

"I'm not going to hurt you. I don't see the point, you'd just annoy me."

She threw a glare at him that seemed very very familiar but stayed still as he examined her ears.

"You from Termina, kid?"

"Termina, what's that?"

"That just about rules out Termina...Holodrum?"

"Holodrum?"

"Labruyun?"

"Lab-what?"

"Sabrosia?!"

"..."

"Did I get it right?"

"...You're weird."

He threw his hands up in aggrivation. "I GIVE UP! Well just where the hell are you from? You have the oddest ears I have ever seen."

"My ears are perfectly normal!" She stomped her feet and stood on her tippy-toes. "Yours are funny! They're all pointy and weird." She gave them a tug.

"STOP TUGGING MY EARS, YOU LITTLE BRAT!" He lunged at her.

She sidestepped, making him fall face first. "Nah nah!" She stuck her tongue out.

He got up to his feet in a flash, surprisingly having no sand on his face. "You obviously have no idea who you are dealing with."

"Meh, I don't care either way." She shrugged.

Instead of exploding with anger, he gritted his teeth and introduced himself, hoping it'd strike some fear into her. "I am **_Dark Link_**. Created entirely out of the unholy side of the legendary hero, Link. I am every jealous moment, every hint of hate, all of his lust and longing, I am his personal hell and satan."

She yawned. "My Dad said that satan doesn't have anything on him."

The man, now fully introduced as Dark Link, was outraged at the fact that his little speech hadn't done so much as make the girl cringe. "How could a child be so stuck-up!?!"

"I am not stuck-up!"

"Yes you are!"

"You're a jerk!"

"You are a bi-"

"MY MOM SAYS PEOPLE SHOULDN'T CURSE INFRONT OF LITTLE GIRLS!"

"Just who the hell are you?!"

"_I'm _Vixie. Where am I?"

"If you think I'm going to tell you again, you have another thing coming, _Vixie_."

Tears formed in Vixie's eyes. "P-p-plwease?"

He winced. If there was anything he hated more then stuck-up brats, it was tears. He despised hearing the screams of girls sobbing. It wasn't nessecarily the pain of making the girl cry, it was just the annoyance of the horrible sound. "You're in Hyrule."

The tears automatically vanished and a sinister smile formed on her face.

_That little bitch!_

"Where's that in New York?"

"New York?"

"...I don't think I'm in New York."

"Well, it's been nice meeting a little bitch in training. Hope we never run into each other again!" Dark Link waved as he started to disappear.

"W-Wait!" She shouted. "You have to help me!"

"Why would I do that?" His head popped out of a shadow.

She shrieked at the sight and a smirk formed on his lips. Finally he had seen her afraid of him. It was satisfying to know he hadn't lost his touch. "M-m-my Mom and Dad must be missing me!"

"...Hmm, you gotta do better then that."

"My Mom and Dad can give you lots of money! We're not rich but we're not poor." Vixie desperatly tried to coax him.

"Tempting..."

"Uh...um...."

"Just out of curiosity, are your parents familiar with Hyrule? Have they ever visited?" He frowned. _She really reminds me of someone..._

She shook her head. "I don't think so."

"Maybe I've heard about them in some daily gossip. Their names...?"

"Uh...Mom's name is Claire and Dad's name is Vaati. My friends say he has a weird na-"

He tuned her out.

Vaati, Vaati, why did that name sound familiar? A bell went off in his head-metephorically of course, since a real bell wouldn't be able to be in his head in the first place. Vaati had been that weird eye that had wanted him to help out on taking over Hyrule. Of course, Dark Link had turned him down. He promised himself he'd take a vacation from getting his ass kicked for awhile. Which apparently resulted in Vaati making another dark side of Link, this one being named Shadow Link. He found the kid to be a cheap knock-off of him and remembered to slap that ridiculous eye the next time he saw him. Although he did stick to small town crimes, such as kidnapping, murder, and stealing. Of course, although two of those were not REALLY small town crimes. But to him they were. How a big fat eye could reproduce he didn't even want to know. _Ill...dear goddesses, I got to get that image out of my head. _

--

"UNCLE GREG, CAN WE EAT THIS?!" Claire pointed to the green molded bread.

"Are you nuts? NO!" Greg grabbed the bread out of her hands and threw it out.

The girls were purposely putting hell on Greg.

"Uncle Greg, I'M GONNA JUMP!" Sunbeam shouted from where she stood on top of the bookcase dangling.

"DON'T DO IT!"

"Okay." She replied in a sweet voice and walked off.

--

After searching Hyrule Field for almost two hours, the group had decided to camp out.

Claire sat at the fire cooking some meat that Vaati had seperated from a passing goat. The rest of the group came back from looking around for Vixie for an extra half an hour.

"Where's Vaati?" Xander looked around.

Vaati's wife smiled and cut the meat up with forks and knives the Wind Mage had summoned up. She placed it on plastic plates -that Rai had thought to grab before they left- and handed them out. "We're having roasted Wind Mage for dinner, dig in everyone!"

The group looked at each other in slight worry but dug in nonetheless. Vaati soon returned from the stream, his hair looking much cleaner. He glared at Claire.

"What's wrong?" Elizabeth piped up.

"You are a real piece of work, you know that?" Vaati growled.

"I learned from only the best." Claire took a bite of her meat.

"...What did Claire do?" Rai looked at the two in confusion.

"She snuck away with my clothes while I was bathing."

"Oh sweet!" Crims high-fived Claire.

"Nicely done." Xander gave her a thumbs-up, recieving a glare from Vaati. "What'd I do?"

"I thought you were on my side, as perusual."

"Well, I've gotta say, you have been PMSing lately." Xander shrugged, earning a slap on the back of the head. "Ow!"

"How'd you change?" Claire raised an eyebrow. "And why the hell are you wearing that stupid thing? I thought I had seen the last of it after you came back."

"We're going to have to blend in." He sat down. "I'll get you all clothes by tomorrow morning. Teleporting, stoning Claire, unstoning Claire, drying myself off, and conjuing up my old wardrobe took alot out of me. I'll just give Claire some rupees, she can go buy herself a pair of clothes."

"Oh, thems are fightin' words." Crims smirked at Claire.

Surprisingly, Claire just shrugged. "It beats wearing purple."

Vaati tossed her a final glare before deciding to just skip dinner altogether and sleep.

* * *

A/N And so, Dark Link has been introduced into the plot. I liked writing Dark Link in this chapter-he'll only be reffered to as Dark Link in this chapter. A few times he'll be called Dark Link but most of the time, just Dark.- he was really fun. Now, the whole thing about his clothes and face being perfectly clean, oh and him not actually shouting anything like ouch, will be explained at a later date. ^-^ I liked the idea of Dark Link meeting Vaati but turning him down. Something about it sounds funny. And no I am not bashing Shadow Link. I'm just writing as if I were actually Dark. O_O Dark and I shared the same disturbing image....illllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll(says said word aloud) I FEEL YOUR PAIN!

Anyway. PMSing Wind Mages, Stuck-Up ten year olds, Crazy friends, Pissed off Darksides, oh and add in one Angry wife! Mix it up for about 2 minutes, bake it for another half an hour, let it cool off, and you got I'd Rather Not Go!

* * *


	4. Seventythree Bottles of Romani

* * *

Disclaimer: Too lazy.

A/N: Aloha-if you haven't guessed, I'm just going to see how many languages I can say hello in until I actually have to type more (not including this).

Preview: Just because I was angry didn't mean I don't love my purple loving freak of nature that I call my husband.

Chapter 4 Seventy-three Bottles of Romani

* * *

Vixie yawned tiredly as Dark Link and her walked on. "Why can't we just disappear like you were doing? It's dark and cold." She let out another tired yawn.

"Two reasons. One, exercise is good for you, kid, so walk faster!" He pushed her from the back.

The little girl stumbled and shot him a glare before shuffling her feet to a quicker pace. "Reason number two?"

"Two, I have something I need to check out first. Besides, I don't see anything wrong with the darkness."

"Can I call you Uncle Dark Link?"

"Call me that and I'll leave you here to die."

"Uncle Dark Link, where are we going?"

"Last warning."

"Uncle Dark L-"

"If you insist on calling me your uncle-dear Din, what a horror it'd be if I were related to you-then call me Dark."

"Okay, Uncle Dark. Well, where are we going?"

"Be patient and shut up, you'll find out eventually."

* * *

Early that morning, the group was awakened by a very aggrivated Vaati.

"Had she never of went in that damn room, I wouldn't have to be here looking for her." He kicked Xander. "Get your lazy ass up!"

Xander stuck his leg out, resulting in Vaati tripping. "Nobossia hits me!"

The morning went slow. Everyone was still tired from yesterday and each had to get an outfit from Vaati so they could head out to Castle Town and see if anyone had seen Vixie.

After about two hours of shuffling feet, the group was sleepily walking off towards the town. To be quite honest, Vaati was fearing it.

"What's the matter?" Claire yawned. "I haven't seen you look like that since...what, Vixie was born?"

"I'm fine." He grunted.

"Dude, you look utterly horrorified." Crims pointed out.

"How about we go through a group therapy session tonight at the campfire?" Rai suggested.

"As long as it's free." Elizabeth shook the sleep-walking Xander.

Vaati walked ahead of the group. "Yeah, if I'm still alive." He muttered.

* * *

"I DON'T WANT SAUSAGE FOR BREAKFAST!" Claire screamed.

"I want toast!" Sunbeam insisted.

"Pancakes!" Elis chimed in.

"Green beans and deep fried bananas." A small and meak voice spoke up. This small and meak voice was Via, finally found safe and sound.

"Cereal." Grace sighed.

Most of these kids were never brats, Greg knew that for sure. Usually Sunbeam was just as energetic as her father. Claire was always a loud mouth but really a sweet kid. Via was a shy little boy at the age of seven and was the sweetest little thing he had ever met-quite the oppisote of his adopted step-father, whom he pictured as the badguy in the fairytales. Elis must have taken after her birth parents, sometimes Greg wondered if she were actually born to Xander. Grace was the most down to Earth child there ever lived. She was the responsible young adult. Grace was the only one who was actually trying to help him. Of course, that wasn't going to well.

Greg groaned. He really hated watching kids.

* * *

"My outfit is too damn tight on me." Claire tugged at her red dress.

"Well if you hadn't of been squirming so much, it would have been fine!" Vaati snapped.

Xander and Elizabeth intervened before a fight could break out, jumping inbetween the two.

They'd be arriving in Castle Town any second now, just two more steps and he'd have to watch his back like a hawk would watch for prey.

"Hm, nice arcitecture." Rai commented as she looked up at the castle.

Crims and Xander were starry eyed. "Finally, we're here!" They squealed and zoomed off, forgetting their mission to find Vixie.

"HEY, GET BACK HERE!" Claire called after them.

"Jesus, I knew Xander would act like that but I thought Crims was always better behaved then him." Elizabeth casted her eyes downwards.

"It doesn't matter, you guys go look for Vixie, I'll go look for the dumbass duo." Rai pushed past the crowds and disappeared.

"So how do we do this?" The Wind Mage's wife questioned.

"Ask around, see if anyone's spotted her." Vaati answered.

"Excuse me, sir, have you seen a girl about this tall with golden blonde hair, dark brown eyes, and sorta pale skin?" Elizabeth's voice was the only sign that she was still nearby, as she had been sucked up by a group of people.

The search went on for three hours, eventually Crims, Xander, and Rai had returned and they found that they were still getting nowhere.

"Vaati, this is really getting boring." Xander yawned.

"Is there anywhere else we can look?" Rai walked over.

He held his breath, as he had noticed a guard's ears poked up when Xander had said his name. Sure he could just blow them away in about two seconds flat but then no one would help his wife find their child. Hell, if they did help, they'd probably kill her and his wife right after just to spite him. Had the world of been created without death and destruction things would have went really smooth for him.

Unfortunatly, life really sucks and they're not living in a little kid's special about helping.

"You, sir!" The guard walked over to the group.

Vaati released his breath in a sigh of utter defeat. They were screwed now. "What?"

"Are you new in town?" He started chatter.

"Yes, we're wanderers from Termina. My friend's daughter went missing and we've been searching for her the past two days." Vaati lied, almost convincing himself. _Damn I'm good._

"Oh? Perhaps I could help you and your friends." The guard eyed the group. "What are your names?"

"Claire."

"Xander!"

"Elizabeth, wife of Xander."

"Rai."

"Crims."

"Victor."

The group held in their laughter at the name as the guard _kindly_ walked them to the guard post and sort out the missing child problem.

"Why the hell are we not just giving him the slip, Vaati?" Claire hissed.

"Because we could actually benefit from this. Besides, he'll get more suspicious."

"Vaati, are you sure it's not dangerous to be doing this? I mean, he looks like he knows exactly who you are." Rai pointed out.

"I never said it wasn't dange-"

"You're underarrest for crimes against the crown." The guard suddenly strapped handcuffs on him.

"Unhand me, you asshole!" Vaati resisted the urge to just get them off himself.

"To think that you're the one who caused all that trouble before! What are you, thirty-six?"

"He's thirty-five, thank you very much." Claire stomped up to the guard. "Get those handcuffs off my husband, you son of a bitch, or I will make you wish you never met me."

The guard ignored most of what Claire had said. "So that means you were fifteen when you kidnapped all those girls. You are a real piece of work, you know that?" He spat at his feet. "Your monsters killed alot of people. Why Link spared your life, I cannot fathom."

"What are you raving on about?!" He continued to play dumb.

"YOU ARE THAT EYEBALL THAT TERRORIZED US JUST TWENTY-YEARS A-OW!"

He held a bleeding nose, delicately.

"Next time, listen to me when I warn you." Claire kicked his shin. "NOW GET THOSE DAMN HANDCUFFS OFF OF MY HUSBAND!"

The guard grabbed Claire by the arm as the others tried to take a swipe at him, not really doing so. "I'll leave you alone, wench. I'm sure you were just brainwashed into your marriage with him." He threw her to the ground, thus making her hit her head and leaving her immobal at the sudden pain.

He began dragging Vaati away, who by now had sighed helplessly as if he truely were innocent. "Go on without me, they'll see that I'm not who they think I am." He gave them a wink.

Crims got Claire back on her feet as Rai watched Vaati continue to get dragged away. "Either he's a fucking genius or a huge dumbass."

"I'd say it's a combination of the two." Elizabeth and Crims commented in unison.

"Don't worry guys, he'll be fine! If anything bad happens, he'll just teleport to us. Besides, that guy's gonna have alot of hard time trying to prove he's Vaati if they only know about him as a huge freakin' eye." Xander patted Claire on the back as she sniffled.

"Just because I was angry didn't mean I don't love my purple loving freak of nature that I call my husband." She cried.

"Come on, let's go set camp up in the middle of the field." Rai walked ahead. "I think we'll do the therapy session when he gets back."

* * *

"Seventy-three bottles of Romani on the wall, seventy-three bottles of Romani! You take one down, pass it around, seventy-two bottles of Romani on the wall!" Vaati sat in a cell singing just to annoy his guard.

Very soon, a nice-sized rock hit the bars of the cell.

"Louder, you say? I can go as loud as you want!"

"SHUT UP!"

For a minute, he sat still, silently thanking Xander for all those years of torture. It was amazing how much pain he could inflict on the guards without so much as even casting a spell. It was probably the only thing keeping him from revealing his cover and just stoning them or something just as equally painful and fun.

As he was just about to leap into another verse, footsteps sounded and a shadow cast over his cell. He brushed himself off, stood up, and looked at the person standing there.

He immediatly regretted that.

Right outside his cell stood the hero of Hyrule, Link. Still dressed in a green tunic and matching cap. "Hey, sorry about Darrel. He's been over exhausting himself latelyand needs a vacation before getting back to work. I'm Link. We're just getting everything sorted out right now so-"

"The goddesses are ever so meddling, wouldn't you agree? Divine fate is one of the worst things I've ever heard of. We're just really the lackies in the game of life." He cut him off.

Link eyed him curiously. "I think we control our own fates and that we just need a gentle push everynow and again."

"That's what the last two said. I should have known better."

"I didn't know you spoke to the guards. They said you've been singing ever since you were tossed in here."

"I wasn't talking about those morons."

"Alright, who are you?"

"You don't recognize me? Why, Link, I'm ashamed!" He pretended to be upset.

"Who are you?" Link repeated the question.

"Perhaps this will ring a bell."

His form weavered, as a flame would if you were to blow on it, and soon began to take shape of something else. Something much more intimidating. And something Link had definatly seen before. There, flapping huge black bat wings, was a giant red eyeball.

"So it is you." He narrowed his eyes. "I thought that if I were to leave you be that you'd never come back again. I see you haven't changed, though, Vaati. To think, you masqueraded as a Hylian to fool everyone."

Once more his form weavered and the same Hylian from before stood in his place. "You're not as entirely stupid as I thought."

"Why didn't you just blow the place up?"

"I was hoping I could get out of this without blowing my cover. Unfortunatly, they send you here and I just couldn't help myself. Divine fate."

"I heard you had four women with you. I hadn't heard of any kidnappings recently."

"They were not kidnapped by me, for your information. Three of them are friends of my wife."

"...Who would marry a huge eyeball?"

"Forget what I said, you are just as stupid as I thought. My wife did not 'marry a huge eyeball'. You do not have your facts staight. I was stuck in said form and after a few events, found myself just as I am now."

"You're a Hylian?"

He ignored the comment. "Well, should I kill you now and break out or could I trust you to do your job properly and release me?"

"Why would I release you if you're guilty?"

"Because I was not here to do anything that would result in my arrest, sealment, or death. Unless, of course, it equired me to kill someone."

"That thing would be...?"

"I don't have to tell you everything!"

"You do if you want to keep a low profile."

"I'm looking for my daughter." He muttered.

"Louder, please."

"And they call me the villian?" He glared up at him. "I'm looking for my daughter."

For a minute Link thought about this. If Vaati was a great sorcerer and now had a daughter, Hyrule would be fucked if the girl was raised by him or anyone just as bad-perhaps even worse-then Vaati. But if they could get the girl and perhaps set up a well balanced life for her, perhaps they'd be fine. "I'll help. Where have you been?"

* * *

A/N: Tisk, tisk, tisk, Link. Naughty Hylian hero! You don't want to take Vixie away from her parents. Well, he has yet to meet Claire so he'll probably change his mind when he realizes how much more down to Earth she is-haha, get it-then Vaati. ANYWAY, I've probably stated why Vaati just didn't cause some havoc like five times. So nobody ask! Oh and just an F.Y.I!!!!

This story is going on hiatus. I know, I know, naughty Midna Hytwilian! But I've got "A Legend Far More Advanced", a requested TP fanfic, perhaps a Minish Cap/Kingdom Hearts crossover instead of OoT/KH, "More Than a Wand", OH and I think I may write a Pokemon and Zelda crossover containing Vaati!

See, I was playing Pokemon and I named Gary mother fucking Oak, Vaati. And it was funny cause he had purple pants, was impatient, pushy, and basically had lines that you could picture Vaati saying-with the exception of gramps and smell you later...I mean, Vaati's not that much of a jackass and would probably say something mockingly respectful. SO anyway!!!!! It oddly fit and almost had me laughing. I named myself Zelda. ^-^ So it was like, "You and Vaati have been rivals since you were kids." "Yeah, the bastard turned me to stone!" 8D

_

* * *

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	5. Making Plans

Disclaimer: To Stone With Yo-VAATI, WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT STEALING THE LAPTOP?!

A/N: I just took two LoZ villian personality quizzes. So far, I am Majora's Mask and Vaati. ^_^ Yay. I'm one of the most insane bad guys-besides Zant-and one of the most jackass/witty ones ever.

Vaati: I resent that!

That's nice, now shut up. You're supposed to be looking on Ebay for Minish Cap.

Vaati: Look yourself! You want the game, spend hours searching for it by yourself.

I promise I won't make this a trilogy!

Vaati: Fine...

(Continues to look at quizzes and sees a poll for which villian should be in the 2010 Zelda) Yo, Vaati, check this out. ALOT of people want you to be the badguy. ^-^

Vaati: (Pushes Ganondorf aside) Move over, Pig Face, Vaati's moving in.

* * *

Preview: VAATI, YOU JACKASS, YOU HAD ME WORRIED SICK! I SHOULD KICK YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW! URGH, NEXT TIME YOU DO THAT I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.

Chapter 5 Making Plans

* * *

"We there yet?" Vixie stretched.

"Din, you are so damn impatient. Yes, we're here." The sun was beginning to rise, causing him to shield his eyes slightly and yawn. "Fuck, I'm exhausted. I didn't think it'd take so long to get here."

The little girl's face scrunched up when her eyes rested on a small village. "What's that, Uncle Dark?"

"That, is where we're staying until later tonight. I have been up for a whole day and I am exhausted. You should be too."

Vixie nodded. "I'm sleepy."

"Good, maybe I can get you out of my hair." He stiffled the urge to yawn, himself. Furiously, he rubbed at his eyes, wishing it'd awake him. In a quick flash, the points of spears were jabbing into his flesh as Vixie screamed in terror at the spears directed towards her, also. "Ladies, ladies, calm down!"

"Dark, why have you returned to our village?" A Gerudo woman stepped foward.

"Just here to seek some info out on that Wind Mage. I know Ganondorf keeps logs so surely he'd have something about that jackass."

"The Wind Mage? Why would you inquire something about him?" The Gerudo raised an eyebrow.

"I need to know where I can find him." He made a gesture to Vixie, who had now began to whimper. "His daughter should be returned, don't you think? Of course, not for a cheap price."

"His daughter? Why, I see no resemblance." She scoffed.

"He was a fucking giant eyeball and you're looking for resemblance?"

"Women, lower your weapons. Show Dark to Ganondorf's old study. The girl must be exhausted, set up a room for our guests."

"Yes, Chief Urbooan." They nodded.

One woman grabbed the little's girl's hand and began walking away with her, talking quietly about the tribe.

"She's cute." Urbooan murmured to Dark, as they watched the girl take leave.

"She won't stop bugging me."

"How old are you, Dark? That swine never told us."

"I've been seventeen for the past few centuries."

"How old do you think the girl is?"

"Ten, eleven at most."

"Yeah, that's just too disturbing." Urbooan shuddered as she lead him away.

* * *

"So, tell me, have you and Vaati been fighting alot, lately?" Rai questioned Claire at the campfire.

"Not really." She sighed.

"Is there anything about him that gets you angry?"

"He doesn't really talk about the past much. It gets me really pissed when I'll ask him if he ever had any pets and he just ignores the question."

"Does he ever open up about his feelings/past?"

"Never."

"Do-"

"DO YOU LIKE WAFFELS!?!" Xander jumped in.

"YEAH WE LIKE WAFFELS!" Crims and Elizabeth shouted in unison.

"DO YOU LIKE PANCAK-"

"Quiet! You'll attract something." Rai shushed the three.

"Oh please, we can handle ourselves." Crims smirked.

"Yeah, we can so kick some major ass, right Izzy?" Xander hugged his wife tightly.

"Sure we can."

"Really?" A voice chuckled darkly.

Claire jumped at the voice and looked extremly pissed. "Alright, come out."

"There's no fooling you, is there?" Vaati came into the campfire's light.

"VAATI, YOU JACKASS, YOU HAD ME WORRIED SICK! I SHOULD KICK YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW! URGH, NEXT TIME YOU DO THAT I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU."

"Easy, Claire." He put his hands up in defense as she went to kick his shin.

"Wow, I'm presuming that's your wife?" A figure came into the light. "I'm Link."

"Oh my god." Elizabeth shrieked. "I LOVE YOU!"

She tackled him to the ground with a hug. Xander frowned. "I thought you loved me."

"I'm Claire, Vaati's wife. These are my friends, Xander, Crims, Rai, and Elizabeth is the girl who is on top of you. She's married to Xander."

Vaati grabbed Elizabeth off of Link. "Dear Din, would you stop drooling, woman?"

"B-b-but..." She sniffled. "Do you know how much I love him?"

"I'M RIGHT HERE!"

"Did you hear something, Rai?"

"Yeah, your fucking husband."

Link brushed himself off as he stood up. "Pleasure to meet you all." He cringed as Elizabeth stared at him lovingly. "Vaati has told me about your plight and I am here to help. I believe we should search Lake Hylia. I've sent a letter to Lon Lon Ranch to aware them of the situation. If they see your daughter they should send me a letter and keep her there until we arrive."

"When can we head out?" Claire questioned.

"Tomorrow morning." Vaati answered for the hero. "It's safer to travel by daylight, as I have told you before."

"I suggest we all get some sleep so we can wake up early. Goodnight, everyone."

Elizabeth felt a tug on her shoulder. "What?"

"You're sleeping next to me, as per usual." Xander frowned as he dragged his wife to a tent. "Stupid blondes."

"Well, I'm gonna hit the hay so I wake up before my cousin does. I don't want Link to end up dead because Xander is jealious."

"I'm going to go to bed, too, so I can pack up camp in the morning." Rai yawned.

The only two left were Vaati and Claire.

"I missed you." Claire muttered.

"I missed you, too." Vaati murmured.

The female gave the male a kiss on the cheek. "Come on, let's catch up before we go to sleep." She lead him into a tent.

* * *

"WHY DID THEY HAVE TO LEAVE ME IN CHARGE?!" Greg shouted since he was tied up to a chair.

The girls walked over with sinister smiles and make-up.

Greg began to scream in terror.

* * *

A/N Poor, poor, Greg.


	6. A Rather Odd Twist of Fate

Disclaimer: I own almost everything.

A/N: Yay. I'm surprised none of you noticed that Urbooan is Nabooru backwards, with the exception of the letter B in a different spot. All of the spells mentioned-safe for the last one-are spells that can be found on a spell site. I don't take credit in them. This chapter was written to Jump In the Line, Killer Queen, and Somebody to Love, eventually.

Preview: Nice to, uh, meet you.

Chapter 6. A Rather Odd Twist of Fate

* * *

"So big ol' eyeball is actually a Minish?" Dark Link stretched after reading Ganondorf's log.

"I guess you can call him a retired Minish. He's been a Hylian for the past few thousand years-if you don't count the whole eyeball situation as not being Hylian." Urbooan yawned.

"Where do you think I'd find him?"

"Minish Woods, perhaps?"

"You just said he hasn't been a Minish forever."

"Well maybe he changed his mind!"

"Any other bright ideas, genius?" Dark replied sarcasticly.

"One, fuck off. Two, maybe you should try summoning him here?"

"...I suck at magic and you know that."

"So? It _could_ work."

"Fine, get me the damn spellbook."

"No! You get it your damn self, shadow boy."

A sword was up to her throat the minute she had uttered such words. "Don't you dare call me a shadow. I'm anything _but_ that. Call me a bastard, if you must. Call me a shadow and you won't live much longer." He let the sword drop. "Now get me that book."

Urbooan nodded and grabbed it off of a shelf, being careful to make sure that it didn't drop.

The first page that they turned to held a spell for revenge against someone-most likely Link. Dark Link couldn't help himself to gaze over the spell and commit it to memory.

Hold someone's picture in your hands and chant two times:

They shall pay for which has been done

With the power from the sky earth and sun

I use my will for all their trouble

For now on they shall recive stuggle.

"Would you quit chanting that ridiculous spell and turn the damn page?" The Gerudo broke him out of his mild trance.

Without a word, he flipped the page. A banishing spell.

This spell is said to help one let go of painful feelings of grief. It is for those times in life when it seems impossible to feel joy again, such as after losing someone close to you.

Items Needed: A smoky quartz gemstone, bowl of water, three tablespoons of sea salt

The Spell:  
Begine by holding the stone in your power hand. See your grief in your mind's eye. Visualize the grief moving from within yourself and through your hand to the stone. As you do this, say:

Banishing stone,  
Fill yourself with my grief,  
so that I may feel joy again,  
So be it, blessed be!

Stirring counterclockwise, mix the sea salt into the bowl of water, then add the smoky quartz stone. Swish the stone around three times in a counterclockwise motion. Leave the stone in the water for a few minutes, then take the stone outside and safely throw it as far as you can away from yourself.

Dark Link presumed this spell was used whenever Ganondorf returned to Hyrule after being defeated. This time, he didn't even bother remembering the spell. The next spell seemed to be getting closer to what he was looking for.

Take an athame and hold it before you and Cast A Circle. Then within it say:

"I summon Wolf,

To protect me from all ills!

May it protect my house.

It is my will,

So mote it be."

Then take a picture of a wolf and sprinkle salt on it.

Underneath the spell, written in scribbled words.

Note: Never cast this spell again, need I remind you of the many bite marks?

Dark couldn't help but break into laughter. With a sigh, the female turned the page. The page suddenly, drastically, changed to that of a glamour spell. One he did not find fitting for the situation at all.

For when you need to make a big entrance!

For this spell wear colorful clothes, flamboyant and luscious! However if you can't bear to venture out in anything but black make sure you wear opulent jewelry - stones of topaz, sapphire and ruby.

Stand in the center of four lit red candles that have been anointed with cinnamon oil. You need to invoke the blessings of the night when glamour and mystery abound.

"Guardians of the night Bless me so that I radiate a beautiful light and bewitch all held in my sight."

In your minds eye see the flames leap up and join above your head, spiraling into the cosmos and know that you are the center of all beauty and glamour in the universe.

Note: Those little brats could see through it, use it when you've nothing better to do and want to impress a few of the other races.

"What the hell is with this? We just found a summoning spell and this is what pops up?" He couldn't help but shout.

Urbooan pointed to the binding inside. "It looks as if something has been torn out. Here...I remember that he had ripped a few pages out and placed them in his planning books." She pulled out an even larger book and placed it with a hard thud on the table. Slowly, the two pried it open.

Immediatly, the first page, the summoning spell was placed inside.

Items: Quartz crystal, a bowl of sand, a bowl of water, a bowl of melted down grass, and concentration

Spell: Start by melting down grass with an enchanted torch, then dip the crystal in the bowl of sand, the bowl of water-creating mud-, and melted grass. Dangle the covered crystal infront of your face and concentrate deeply on who you are trying to summon. Recite this chant:

"Greens of fields

Sand of deserts

And water of lakes

Grant me the power I need that may summon someone great."

Note: Concentrate extremly hard in order for this to work.

Dark Link wasted no time in grabbing a bowl of warm water that had been left for only Nayru knows how long. Urbooan lit a torch, presumely an enchanted one, and grabbed a fistful of grass out of a jar. The sand was their least worry as they frantically searched for a quartz crystal. Once everything was prepared, Dark sat himself on the ground and began the chant, finding it hard to not snicker at the word great.

After what seemed like hours, although it was only a little over ten minutes, he opened his closed eyes and looked around. "Well...?"

"It looks like you fucked up. Perhaps there is another summoning spell in there? Hand that book over." Urbooan ordered.

"No, I will not! I am in c-"

"Excuse me?" A small voice squeaked in nervousness.

The two looked around.

"Where are you?" The dark being questioned.

"Down here, sir!"

Looking down, Dark Link looked at a small Minish with lavenderish hair, pale skin-with a lavender hint-, wide and red frightened eyes, and purple robed. "...Oh you have got to be kidding me."

"Who are you?" The Minish frowned. "Where am I? Where's Master Ezlo?"

"I am Dark Link, ya little shrimp." He flicked the Minish slightly, ignoring the squeak of surprise. "Now scram, I'm trying to do something."

"Did you bring me here?"

"No, I was trying to bring someone else here."

"Who?"

"Why should I tell you?"

"Cause I'm helpful!" The little Minish smiled sweetly. "I can help you find the person."

Dark found it almost impossible not to vomit. "I'm looking for a guy named Vaati, do you know of his whereabouts?"

"I'm Vaati, silly!"

"...You're Vaati?"

"Yep."

"I thought he was older." He turned to the Gerudo that was now crouched down to looked at the Minish.

"I thought that only kids could see Minish." She informed him. "Why can we see him?"

"You moron, he let us see him."

"You're right, though, he is supposed to be older. Later in Ganondorf's logs, he mentions that Vaati is a stuck-up teenaged brat that would stop aging in the Four Sword. Vaati hasn't been in that sword for years, so why does he look like...like..."

"A kid?"

"Yes. And I could tell you why."

It seemed the small Minish boy, claiming he was Vaati, was long forgotten and ignored. But it didn't matter, the young boy looked around the room in amazement, not paying one bit of attention to the conversation.

"Pray tell."

"YOU FUCKED THE SPELL UP, YOU GORON MORON! YOU BROUGHT BACK HIS PAST SELF, INSTEAD!"

It seemed Urbooan was a bit of a racist, even if Dark wasn't a Goron. She flinched, expecting to be slapped to the backwall, only meeting a chuckling Dark Link.

"Oh, this is too good to pass up! I shall search for the present time Vaati and travel with his past self and daughter. The two can entertain themselves. I'm sure he'd pay extra for his life."

"You're not telling me that you'll squish him if he doesn't pay a decent sum, right?"

"My darling, Gerudo friend, that is exactly what I plan."

"You're a bastard, Dark."

"Ah, but the bastard's always get the final word." He grabbed the surprised Minish Vaati by the cuff of his robe with his pinky, carefully, and hoisted him up onto his shoulder. "You're to come with me and a young little girl by the name of Vixie. You two can entertain yourselves, got it?"

"Why are you making me come with you?" Vaati trembled by the tone of Dark's voice.

"Bait's not cheap."

* * *

"You kids are not going to watch Saw!" Greg shouted.

* * *

"Uncle Dark, where are we going now?" Vixie questioned when he walked out of Ganondorf's study with a book tucked under his arm and a Minish on his shoulder. "Awwww, look at the cute wittle mousy! He wuvs you."

The young girl ran up to his shoulder and cupped her hands around Vaati, petting him and cooing at how 'cute' he was.

"Eep, careful, that's my tail!"

Vixie shrieked and dropped him, thus giving Vaati quite a headache, as Dark laughed at the Minish's pain. "UNCLE DARK, THE MOUSE SPOKE!!!"

"That, kid, is a Minish, which is pretty far from a mouse. He's coming with us, so you better get used to it. Now pick him up and get moving. We're going to the Lost Woods first and then Minish Woods, if we don't find your parents."

She did as she was told, petting Vaati once more. "I'm so sorry, little Spinach."

He looked up at her with wide, and a bit scared, eyes. "That's okay. Oh, it's Minish, by the way."

"Oh, Minish." Vixie practiced the word. "Minish, Minish, Minish, Minis-"

"Just say Picori if it's too hard for your small brain to comprehend." Dark ordered. "Grab onto my shoulder, I'm teleporting us."

Before the two children could speak more to each other, Vixie grabbed onto Dark's shoulder-still cupping Vaati-and the three blended into the shadows. They came out of the shadows in covered woods, Vixie looking like she was going to vomit any minute while Vaati had squeezed out of her hands and went to go vomit.

After a ten minute break, Vixie had Vaati sitting in her hands and walked slowly behind Dark Link. "My name's Vixie."

"V-Vaati."

"My Dad's name's Vaati, too!"

"Wow."

"That's so weird..."

"How old are you?"

"I'm ten."

"I'm eleven."

"Wanna be friends?"

"Sure!"

"Do you like ninjas?"

"What's a ninja?"

She stared at him in shock. "...I have much to teach you. Do you like pirates?"

"Pirates are mean."

"What's your favorite food?"

"Blueberries."

"Mmm, I love blueberries! What's your favorite smell?"

"Pine trees."

"Umm...favorite color?"

"Purple."

She then began to teach him about ninjas. An hour passed, turning the sky a darker shade of black. The little girl and little Minish boy yawned as Dark glanced at them.

"I suppose we have enough time to rest...you two stay here while I go get some wood for a fire." He ordered, walking furthur off into the woods.

Vixie grabbed the spellbook he had forgotten to take with him. "What's this? Vaati, do you know what it is?"

She opened the book up to show him. "It looks like a spellbook!"

"Oh, cool!" She glanced over the spells, just as intrigued in each one as Vaati was. After reading the spells, not aloud, though, she glanced up and towards the woods. "Vaati, I don't think Uncle Dark is going to keep me safe. I think he wants to hurt us, especially you." Vixie frowned. "My Mom and Dad always told me to trust my gut. I have a bad feeling." She swallowed. "Vaati...maybe I can get you to Mommy and Daddy!"

"You mean...teleport me? But...it's really hard to do that! Master Ezlo always tells me that it takes years to get right."

"Maybe I can do it! I just know I can." She flipped through the pages and found a small chant. "Here we go!" The young girl held Vaati close to her. "I just know he'd come to hurt me if I try to leave, so tell Mommy and Daddy where I am, okay?"

He nodded, thinking it'd never work.

"We're best friends, now, right?"

"Yeah."

"Good! Bye, Vaati."

She closed her eyes and concentrated on the words that flew out of her mouth, hoping that it'd work.

* * *

Claire yawned as she walked back towards the tent. "Man, I miss indoor plumming."

The woman suddenly felt something on her shoulder and, fearing the worse that it could be a dangerous bug, shrieked. But the shriek did nothing but send the thing down to the ground with a small thud and oof. After recovering from her near heartattack, she glanced down at it.

"...What the hell?"

"Please don't scream." It pleaded.

"I won't sceam again, sorry. You scared me, though! Who are you?" She picked it up carefully.

"I'm Vaati."

She suddenly felt very lightheaded as she stared at 'Vaati'. After living with her husband for so many years, she didn't even want to question how it was possible. "Nice to, uh, meet you."

"Vixie sen-"

"VIXIE?! WHERE IS SHE? IS SHE OKAY? VAATI, VAATI, VAATI!" She began running towards the camp, screaming her husband's name and holding very tightly onto her husband. "VAATI, VAATI, VAATI, GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP, VAATI!"

Standing outside was now Link, Rai, Elizabeth, Crims, Xander, and Vaati, all looking quite exhausted.

"Just what the hell are you raving on about, woman?" Vaati, her Vaati, she had to remind herself.

"Claire, you alright?" Rai walked up to her.

"Vaati, it's Vixie!" Claire jumped up and down. "VAATI'S FOUND VIXIE!"

"I didn't find her." Vaati sighed, sounding quite tired. "It was all a dream, Claire."

"No, not you! HIM." She thrust her hand that covered the past Vaati, infront of his face.

The two Vaati's blinked at each other, staring in either shock or amazement.

"Hi..." The small Vaati started. "Do I...do I know you?"

Vaati passed out.

Xander sighed. "I'll get him back into the tent, Link, can you help?"

"I'm on it." Link grabbed the other end of Vaati, the two carrying him back inside.

Elizabeth yawned. "Yeah, I'm just going to get back to bed. I still don't know if this is a dream or something so..."

Rai, Crims, the past Vaati, and Claire were the only ones standing outside, now.

"...So...you're Vaati?" Crims started.

The Minish nodded.

"Hey...Claire. I've got an idea." Rai smirked. "How about we all get to know each other?"

* * *

A/N: No, Vaati-eleven year old Vaati-and Vixie do not have a crush on the other. It's just friendship that they share. Cause that'd be wrong if Vaati had a crush on his own daughter. At least, in my books. XD

Anyway, this came out long. Yay. Next chapter shall hopefully finally reveal Vaati's past. ^_^ Yay! SO, now that that's all take care of-thank goddesses-, let's talk about your sex lives. JK, JK. I just had to. No, just click that little review button OR....(Holds a gun up to Xander's head) I kill him. DX


	7. Waking Up Before the Sun

Disclaimer: I own basically, nothing.

A/N: I'm seriously pissed. -_-' I had "Hyrule Sing-Off" all ready this morning and then? The stupid site went down and the document was lost. URGH! So, expect it to be a bit longer, guys. Sorry. WELL, thank Paramore and their song Decode! Because of that song, I have decided to update. XD Iono, to me, it fit Claire and Vaati. And since **_I'm_** the author, I can say it does! JK JK.

Preview: A moment of weakness is when you're on a diet and eat three packs of Twinkies, that was called normality.

Chapter 7. Waking Up Before the Sun

* * *

Crims, Claire, Rai, and Tiny Vaati sat around the campfire to keep from freezing up like a popsicle.

"So..." Claire looked a bit nervous. "Who do you live with, Vaati?"

The young Minish grinned. "I live with my Mommy and Master Ezlo."

Rai withheld the urge to ruffle his little hair. "Aww, that's nice. Do you have any friends?"

He shuffled his feet a bit nervously. "Well, there were three boys...but we haven't talked in a long time."

"Oh, care to elaborate?" The therapist smiled.

"Huh?"

"Rai, don't use large words on him! Can you explain furthur?" Crims scolded.

"Well, u-"

"You don't have to." Claire stopped him, glaring at her two friends. Her eyes said everything she couldn't say aloud. 'Stop harrassing my husband.'

"It's okay." He shrugged. "I guess they're just not real friends."

"Don't you think we should all get back to sleep?" A male's voice interrupted them.

The four turned around.

"Do we have to, honey?" The wife whined. "Please? I'm having _soooo_ much fun talking to Vaati."

The present Vaati gritted his teeth. "Yes, you have to. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow so get to bed."

"Tiny Vaati can sleep with me." Crims picked the Minish up. "Come on, buddy."

"So, Vaati, Ezlo and your mother? Do you think we should see if they're alive, I should me-"

"We're not going, that's it." He grabbed her by the wrist and began dragging her back to the tent.

"I thought you fain-"

"Passed out!"

"Fainted, what gives?" She continued as if he hadn't snapped at her.

"I recovered quickly, alright? It was a moment of weakness." The two stood in front of their tent.

"A moment of weakness is when you're on a diet and eat three packs of Twinkies, that was called normality. Which is quite amazing, since ever since I've met you, nothing has been normal. I know it's weird that your past is right here but...if you know where Vixie is, why should you care?"

"He's just..."

"Cheery, bubbly, sweet, adorable, loving, and did I mention that he's eleven years old and has everyright to be the way he is?"

"I don't care if he has a right. He's everything I'm not!"

"You're not a male? Hmm...didn't know you had a sex change."

"Claire!"

"What, can't take a joke?"

"You don't understand this, Claire. It's everything, I've tried to forget, coming back to haunt me."

Silence befell the two as she walked into the tent, him going in after her.

"What do you think your mother would think of me?" She suddenly asked.

"...I don't know."

"Where was your mother when you, you know..."

"I'm not talking about it."

"Vaati."

"Claire."

"Vaati."

"Claire."

"Vaati!"

"Claire..."

"VAATI!"

The stern tone of their voices saying the others name was interrupted by Claire shouted him, angered that her husband wouldn't talk about it.

"Goodnight, Claire." He smirked.

An hour later and the woman was still up. "Why did I marry such an asshole?"

* * *

"WHERE IS HE?!"

"Who?"

"Where is Vaati?"

"You mean the Spiniach? I don't know."

Dark Link gritted his teeth. "What did you do with him?"

"Nothing..."

_He couldn't be dead, otherwise the girl wouldn't be here...but he could die any minute if he's out in those woods alone... _He reminded himself. "Girl, tell me where he is now or you'll be dead, soon."

Her eyes widened. "Y-you wouldn't kill me, right Uncle Dark?"

He did need the money... "No, you're right, I wouldn't. But, those animals might kill Vaati and then, poof! Goodbye rupees."

"Rupees?"

"You."

"...Why would I go poof?"

"That, girl, was your father. If he dies, so do you."

"But my Daddy's tall and older and not a Spinach!"

"Your father is a Minish. That, was his past self."

She began to cry. "Daddy, come back!" She had the strong urge to hold her parents and be away from the criminal that had decided to help her for cash. "MOMMY!"

"Oh Farore, smite me." Dark slumped up against a tree.

* * *

"Greg is great, give us the chocolate cake!" Sunbeam chanted.

"CAKE IS NOT A HEALTHY BREAKFAST!" Greg shouted above the chaos.

"Neither is soap but you don't see us complaining." Claire poked at her eggs, which oddly enough had soap in them.

"Eat around the soap!"

* * *

"Good morning, Hyrule!"

"Urgh...you jackass, let me sleep." Claire moaned.

"Wrong jackass." Vaati's voice sounded.

"Good morning Miss Clair-"

"She's married, moron." Vaati glared at Link.

"Why, I'll never know." Claire spoke with her eyes still closed.

"Time to get up, you two." Link grinned. "Breakfast is alr-"

"Would you leave us the hell alone?"

"VAATI!"

"Hey, at least I get you up at reasonable hours. Open your eyes for two seconds and you'll notice that the sun hasn't even come up."

Claire's eyes snapped open and now, the married couple was glaring at Link. "YOU WOKE ME UP BEFORE THE SUN?!"

The Hylian backed out of the tent, nervously laughing. "Hehehe, I'm just going to go check up on Miss Rai...BYE!" He darted off before the two could throttle him.

After ten minutes, the two realized that sleep just wouldn't come back and reluctantly got up, stepping out of the tent and into the cold dark morning.

"Xander, don't play tag with a Minish! Do you know how dangerous that is? What if you step on Tiny Vaati?" Elizabeth's voice scolded the minute they were outside.

"Lizzy, I'm not playing _tag_! We're having a Witch Trial and Crims is on the stand." Xander pointed out. "Duh."

"FOR THE LAST TIME, LET ME GO!" Crims screamed, tied to a trie.

"Mr. Xander, don't you think we should let Miss Crims down?" Tiny Vaati nervously stared at the screaming female.

"Nah, she'll be fine. Now, you gotta throw the rock REALLY hard."

"FREEDOM!" The younger cousin yelled as the ropes suddenly fell off of her. She slapped her cousin. "Jackass."

"No cheese and crackers when we get home!"

"But, Lizzy!"

"Why'd you let Crims go, Vaati?" Rai walked over to the two with a plate of eggs.

"Watch." The Wind Mage grinned, sweeping his hand in the air.

The next thing that happened was Link was tied to the tree looking dazed. "How'd I get here?"

Vaati picked up a rock. "Hey, Xander, ten points if you hit him in the head."

"You're on!"

"Hey, let me go!" Link's eyes widened when the two men prepared to toss the rocks.

Claire grabbed a rock, also. "This is what you get for waking up a female before the sun is even up."

"Everyone, this isn't very nice. We should put the rocks down and let him go. Mr. Link didn't do anything wrong." Tiny Vaati looked up at everyone with wide eyes.

"You won't be thinking that in four years..." Vaati grumbled.

"But I want ten points." Xander whined.

"Come on guys, this is stupid. Vaati, Xander, put down the rocks. Claire, throw it at Xander." Rai ordered.

"W-what?!"

Claire tossed the rock at Xander, just barely missing him.

"What was that for?!"

"That was for eating my scarf!" The therapist shouted. "WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU EAT MY SCARF, THOUGH? THE EGGS WERE ALMOST DONE AND YOU ATE MY SCARF! WHY?!"

Xander rubbed his stomach. "It tasted like lemon mirang pie. It was yummy in my tummy and it still is. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go puke in those bushes over there." He darted off before anyone could say anything.

* * *

A/N: DODODO DO! I got the Earth Element! ^_^ Yep, Minish Cap got here and I've been playing almost non-stop. It's SO MUCH FUCKING FUN! I love it already! I especially love pissing Ezlo off. XD I keep clicking the Y button-which is the select button on the Gamecube controller-and he gets angry with me. It's so much fun. Right, Vaati?

Vaati: (Keeps clicking Y and making Link die) 8D

QUICK, EVACUATE, EVERYONE, VAATI SMILED, THE MOON'S FALLING DOWN!

Vaati: -_-' Bitch.

:D


	8. We're Getting Too Old

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: ^_^

Preview: Well, at least I don't crave Chinese food like a certain somebody.

Chapter 8 We're Just Too Old

* * *

"Alright, everyone, keep your eyes on the look out for a child." Link ordered as they arrived in the Lost Woods.

Vaati pushed past him. "We all know what she looks like, you moron, so butt out."

Claire walked behind her husband, Tiny Vaati on her shoulder. "Sorry, Link." She murmured.

Tiny Vaati stared his older self, whom was stomping about angrily. "Is Vixie's Dad going to be alright?"

"No, sweetie, he's going to flip out when he finds the jackass you described."

"I can't believe Dark Link is behind this." Rai frowned. "I mean...why?"

"Oh dear god, no. ILL CREEPY PERVERTED SEXUAL AND RAPIST THOUGHTS!" Crims and Xander clawed at their heads.

"IF HE DID THAT, I WILL KILL HIM!" Claire shouted, sprinting ahead towards her husband. "WHERE IS THAT BASTARD?"

Her husband gritted his teeth. "They're not here."

"Then we'll have to go to Minish Woods."

"That's the exact problem."

"...VAATI used CONFUSION! CLAIRE is CONFUSED!"

"Dark isn't as retarded as his light self-"

"I HEARD THAT!" Came the wail from Link, not too far in the distance.

"He'll change his course if he wishes not to be found."

"What makes you think he doesn't want to be found?" She spoke softly. "What if...what if he wants to find us so he can hurt us...all three of us?"

"I'm not going to let that happen, even if it means only two of us making it out alive."

Claire lowered her head. "...I don't want you to die. I know we've been fighting lately but...you're my husband and I still love you. I mean, look where we are right now, look at **who **you are. If this were all a dream and I were to wake up, I'd die."

Sniffling sounded and the two looked around, finally resting their eyes on Tiny Vaati-still perched on Claire's shoulder. The small Minish had tears in his eyes and smiled widely. "That's so sweet!"

Vaati frowned in distaste as he put an arm around his wife. "I love you, too. Don't worry, we'll be fine. We'll find Vixie and then get the hell out of here."

_I hope you won't mind watching your husband rip someone to shreds. _

* * *

"Damn it, damn it, damn it, DAMN IT!"

The dark being paced back and forth, gritting his teeth as he tried his best to come up with a solution at the Minish Woods.

"How am I to assure myself that I'll have enough time to escape?"

Vixie stared at him with hollow eyes, all the joy she had before was long gone now that she realized the young man only wanted to harm her. Her eyes widened at a sudden movement, though. "SPINACH!"

Dark turned towards the girl before going back to his pacing.

"SPINACH, SPINACH, WAIT UP!" She cupped her hands around the small Minish. Her face clearly stated her joy: ^_^

"Unhand me this instant, girl!"

"OW! IT BIT ME!" She glared down at the Minish. "You're not nice."

The creature in her hands flinced from the glare, a bit disturbed to see it played on the small girl's face. "Do I know you?"

She shook her head. "Why do people keep asking that?"

So far, Dark and now this Minish both thought they knew her! What gived?

"...No, it couldn't be."

"You've confuzzled me." She frowned. Another 'bite' came to her hand. "OW!"

"Use proper grammar."

Dark, for the second time this half an hour, gazed at her. "What the hell is going on, you brat?"

She grimaced at the name calling. "I tripped."

"Well stop being such a klutz and shut up!"

"Who is that young ruffian? He looks rather menacing and I have the strongest urge to hit him upside the head."

"His name's Dark." She muttered.

"...Girl, have you been kidnapped?"

"What's kidnapped?"

"Let me see if I can rephrase it better...have you been taken against your will?"

"I don't know what that means but Dark-" she refrained from saying Uncle anymore "-has been dragging me all over. I miss my Mommy and Daddy."

"What is your name?"

"Vixie."

"Vixie, who are your parents, so I may tell them of your wherabouts?"

"My Mommy's Claire and my Daddy's Vaati."

His blood ran cold at the name as he choked it out. "V-Vaati?!"

"..._Yeah_..."

"B-but...how?" He had heard about some disturbances a few years ago but to think that Vaati had taken over. Wouldn't he had of come to harm if? Why were these woods still so peaceful? He shook his head, surely it had to be a mistake. "I am the renowned Minish sage and craftman, my name is Ezlo."

Vixie glanced at her kidnapper. "Mr. Ezoh-"

"Ezlo."

"That's what I said, Ezoh. Mr. Ezoh, if you see my Mommy and Daddy, can to tell them I miss them?" She placed him back down on the ground and sprinted off closer to her kidnapper, ignoring the tiny old Minish.

Ezlo frowned as he walked back to his house, thinking over the young girl he had just met who claimed Vaati as her father and some mystery woman. "I'm getting too old for this."

* * *

"Are you ready for our date?" A young woman asked as Greg opened up the door. "Oh...you're not Harold."

"I-I could be." Greg stammered with his words, looking the woman up and down. "My name's Greg."

"...Hmm, you are pretty cute. Can you afford a dinner at the resturant down the block?"

"Just let me grab my wallet a-"

"GREGGGGGGGGGGGG, WE'RE ALL OUT OF SOUP!" Claire shouted.

"Who was that?" The woman looked past his shoulder.

"OH COME ON!" Greg sobbed as he realized that his lucky break would not be able to be fulfilled, due to a couple of brats.

* * *

At the current moment, trecking through the Lost Woods-thanks to Link's help, since none of them really could get their barings in the place-towards Minish Woods, the group was being tortured.

If one could describe their faces with text faces, these would be them: D8

Xander's and Tiny Vaati's would have been quite the oppisote: 8D

Unfortunatly for the group, they were forced to listen to the singing of Xander and Tiny's Vaati's voice, quite a horror combined.

Vaati covered his ears, feeling highly emberassed as the girls snickered. "I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself." He continued to chant.

"No, no, Tiny Vaati, it's 'it was a one-eyed-one-horned-giant-flying-purple-people-eater'!" Xander corrected him.

The two leapt back into the song.

"Oh Farore, you have a terrible singing voice, Vaati." Link muttered. "OW!"

"SHUT UP!"

"See, this is why we can't go to any Karaoki bars when you guys come over." Claire explained to Rai, Crims, and Elizabeth.

Crims snickered. "Your one to talk, sorry, Claire, but your voice is worse than a dead cat moaning."

"Oh, no offense taken." Claire rolled her eyes.

"When are we going to get there?" Elizabeth moaned in anguish.

"Hey, Link, mind if I borrow your boomerang?" Rai questioned sweetly.

"Sure, but how'd you know I had one?" Link handed her the weapon.

"Thank you."

"OW MY HEAD!"

"NOW SHUT THE HELL UP, XANDER!"

Claire leaned into her husband, ignoring Xander talk about how he kicked some guy's ass one year. She knew the story, she lived the story, and she didn't need to hear it again. "I'm hungry and I'm craving."

A look of horror came over Vaati's face. "You're not pregnant, right?!"

"...I don't think so. I'm not positive, I mean, no pregnancy tests in Hyrule, right?"

"No."

"Yeah, we'll have to wait till we get him. Unless you want to pop one up right here right now."

"I'd rather have the heartattack after finding my daughter, thank you very much."

"Fine, whatever. Anyway, I'm hungry and craving."

"What are you craving?"

"Sweedish Fish."

The bag of sweet red fish appeared in his hands and he passed it to his wife. "Is that all you ever crave? You crave them when you're sick, you crave them when you're sad, you crave them when your pregnant, you crave them when you have your period, hell, you crave them during sex!"

"Well, at least I don't crave Chinese food like a certain somebody."

"What is that?" Link poked the bag that Claire was eating out of.

"Sweedish Fish, back off." She ordered.

Vaati went to grab a few when..."OW!"

"I SAID BACK OFF!" She hissed, after biting her husband, of course.

"Alright, we're here." Link grinned. "Now, let's go find this little girl and so I can go home."

"...If you don't mind me asking, Link, are you dating anyone?" Rai asked.

"Well, hehe, the Princess and I have been trying to get her father to agree to a wedding."

Xander stopped his story when he thought he saw a small imp on the ground. "Whoa, what was that?!"

"Master Ezlo?" Tiny Vaati squeaked, climbing down Xander's clothes to the ground. "Master Ezlo, was that you?"

A small bottle of arsenic appeared in Vaati's hands. "Alright, one of us have to drink this. Either I'm going or the old bastard is."

Claire swiped the bottle out of his hands. "NO MURDER OR SUICIDE!"

"Master Ezlo, wait!" The small Minish darted off after the blur.

"Where's he going?!" Crims, Xander, Elizabeth, and Rai shouted. "HE'S GOING TO GET HIMSELF KILLED!"

Claire grabbed Link and Vaati by the wrists and began dragging them as she follow the small Minish that was her young husband. "Move faster, god damn it! Vaati, shrink us down as soon as you can!"

"Shrink...?" Link questioned as the friends gave chase. "What are you talking about?"

"Is today the 100th year of the Picori Festival, perchance?" She questioned.

"It should be bu-"

"Well that is pretty damn convient." Vaati cut him off as he began to drag his wife over to a stump, momentarily not chasing his small self.

Claire, Crims, Elizabeth, Rai, Xander, Vaati, and Link were standing on the stump-just barely, as there was very little room-and everyone, minus Vaati, screamed as they fell through the small crack in it.

"OW, GET OFF OF ME, XANDER!" Crims pushed her cousin off.

"XANDER, YOUR ELBOW IS JAMMED IN MY BOOB!" Elizabeth shouted.

"YOUR BOOB IS JAMMED IN MY ELBOW!" Xander shot back.

"Claire, not to be rude or anything, but can you please get off of my ass?" Rai's muffled voice questioned.

"Get off of me!" The two other male's voices shouted at the same time.

Claire stood up, grabbed her husband, and darted off-acting as if she weren't the size of a thumb. "MOVE FASTER, DAMN IT!"

Vaati was being half dragged, amazed by her speed as she rushed past every little thing. "Fuck Farore, I'm getting too old for this shit."

* * *

A/N: XD Poor Vaati. I make him get dragged by his wife all over the place. I am craving the yummyness of Sweedish Fish, by the way. That's sorta why I snuck it in there. 8D  
And yes, as Vaati said, "well that is pretty damn convient." In other words, the author was too lazy to come up with another way they'd shrink down.

Now, I like to think a Minish has a very long life-span and that Ezlo is nearing his final years of that long life-span. And yes, he used his pimp cane-I er mean, cane-on Vixie. ^_^ I think it was like a normal reaction to anyone related to Vaati. AS for Tiny Vaati, I feel like I'm leaving him out of the story a lot. -_-' I don't wanna weave Tiny Vaati out! SO, that's why I did this. :D Soon, my pets, shall Vaati's origins be revealed, because I'm far too busy to write a Vaati origins story and I really want to include some of my ideas.


	9. Something Wicked This Way Comes

Disclaimer: I own a nice amount.

A/N: VAATIIIIIIII! (Looks around) Where is he? (Sighs) ANYWAY, this chapter so turned out unexpected, for both of us. The original was supposed to have Dark Link place Vaati in Tiny Vaati and vice versa-I know, body switch on the same person. That's sorta why I didn't go with it-and then take Vixie, again. -_-' But, Dark said "fuck that, Hytwilian. I'm doing whatever the hell I want." and this is the result! Beware, much dialogue interruptions and it may make you want to strangle Dark Link. O.O WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT PIECE OF ROPE? YEAH, YOU, THE ONE IN SEAT 29! PUT THAT AWAY, BAKA, I NEED DARK FOR THIS STORY! Anywho....here it is. Enjoy.

Preview: Breathing is overrated.

Chapter 9. Something Wicked This Way Comes

* * *

"Master Ez-OW! Master Ezlo, please listen to m-OW!"

"How dare you show your face in here, you no good demon!"

"Master Ezlo, what are you tal-OUCH!"

Crims, Rai, Elizabeth, Link, and Xander managed to catch up to Vaati and Claire-who were leaning in the doorway of the mushroom house.

"Okay, so...just a guess, but, Ezlo's beating Tiny Vaati over the head with his pimp cane?" She stared ahead, not seeing Ezlo.

"That's about it." Vaati sighed exasperated. "I refuse to go in there."

Xander stared at Tiny Vaati getting whacked over the head by Ezlo.

"What's happening?" Elizabeth furrowed her eyebrows.

"Who's Ezlo?" Link questioned.

"Ezlo's hitting Tiny Vaati?" Rai asked.

"The Sweedish Fish are all gone?!" Crims hissed.

"You guys can't see this?" Xander turned to look at the group. "Well, Vaati can, but, you guys can't?"

"...No." The others answered.

"How come he can see Ezlo?" Elizabeth pouted.

"Maybe it's because he's a kid at heart...?" Claire suggested.

"That's exactly it." Vaati nodded. "And in that case..."

Two seconds later, Xander was being pushed into the home. Ezlo, being too busy whacking Tiny Vaati on the head, did not even realize that there was one human staring at him.

"HI EZLO!"

The elderly Minish jumped up in the air from the shout. "Who's there?"

"I'm Xander." He greeted cheerfully. "Um...are you done hitting Tiny Vaati?"

Tiny Vaati rubbed his head. "That really hurt, Master Ezlo. What did I do?"

Ezlo glanced at Xander and...

**WHACK!**

"OW, WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"

"That was for entering my house without my permission!"

Xander rubbed his head. "I guess I deserved that."

"...You're not a Minish."

"Nope! One hundred percent human....or am I?" He waved his hands mysteriously. "My friends can't see you so they needed me to ask you to show yourself to them."

Claire dragged a very reluctant Vaati into the room, Rai, Crims, Elizabeth, and Link trailing behind the married couple.

"I am not going in there, damn it, Claire! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"

"Oh yes I can! Think about it this way, if you turn me into a damn statue now, I will **_never_** forgive you!"

Ezlo stared at the small Hylian Vaati, mysterious small shouting woman, and the others that didn't seem quite as important. "...Why are you all in my house? _Especially_ you." He pointed his cane at Vaati. "Secondly, _why _are there t-"

"DON'T SAY IT!" Crims and Elizabeth shouted.

Rai covered Tiny Vaati's ears. "He doesn't know that that's him."

"It's nice to meet you Ezlo, I'm C-OW, YOU OLD SON OF A BITCH, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!" She rubbed her head. "All I was trying to do was say h-OW!"

"Stop hitting my wife, damn it!"

Xander sighed sadly. "Hey, Link?"

"Yes?"

"...Wanna go tie Crims up?"

Link glanced at the younger cousin, whom was currently watching the three shout. "I'm not great at knots."

"Izzy, come and help us!" Xander grabbed out a bag from his pocket, snuck up behind Crims, and placed it over her face.

Elizabeth grabbed rope from her pockets and tied Crims' wrists together while Link took the bag off of Crims' face.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THREE DOING?!"

"Come with us if you want to live." Elizabeth ordered.

* * *

Greg sighed sadly, sitting down on the couch, bored. "Infomercial. Infomercial. Infomercial. Oh, look, infomercial! Hmm, porn, porn, porn, OH horror!"

"Why is that man hacking at the other man?" Via suddenly appeared next to Greg.

Greg screamed like a girl. "AH, VIA, WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM!?"

"..."

The young man looked around, finding that the child was nowhere to be seen. He grabbed his glass of water, sniffed it, and placed it back down.

"...I better get paid for watching these demon children."

* * *

"Why are you here, Vaati?"

"I wish I could say I had a murderous reason." Vaati rubbed his head, which by now was starting to form a small bump. He frowned in distaste as he felt it. "I'm looking for my daughter."

"My head seriously hurts...damn, Ezlo, did you _have _to hit me so much? Abusive old bastard." Claire mumbled. "Here I was, just wanting to make sure my husband doesn't go and get himself killed and then I get beaten with a stick!"

"Hey, can I let go of Tiny Vaati's ears now? Are you guys going to keep mentioning that he's him, cause..." Rai spoke up. "OW!"

"Be patient." Ezlo ordered. "Now, what about him?" He gestured to the young Minish, watching the scene with wide eyes.

Vaati turned his back on Ezlo. "We think Dark Link's responsible for that tragedy. He was probably trying to summon me."

Claire nodded. "He kidnapped Vixie."

"Aha, so that little girl was yours! They're right in Minish Woods, I ran into them today. Your daughter misses you both." Ezlo mumbled. "Why she misses Vaati, I don't know."

"I heard that, you old coot. I'm a much better father than you were."

"It wasn't my job to be your father, Vaati! It was my job to be your master and teach you magic, nothing more."

Sensing that an all out battle would form if someone didn't intercept it, Claire and Rai stepped in between the two-Tiny Vaati still being held by Rai.

"Look, you two, you can fight later when we have Vixie back."

"I don't plan on staying here any longer, after we find my daughter."

"Well I do." Claire glared at her husband. "Vaati, I love you, with all my heart but enough is enough! You have to stop running from the past. What's done is done. I want to know it so I can help you get over it."

"Cl-"

"AH, BIG SHOE, BIG SHOE!!!"

The four people who could hear at the moment-that not being Tiny Vaati-turned towards the front of the house where Xander, Elizabeth, Crims, and Link ran past, a shoe right behind them.

"SPINACH, SPINACH, SPINACH, WAIT UP!"

"Vixie!" The two parents darted out.

"...Should we go after them?" Rai questioned.

Ezlo sighed exasperated. "Go ahead, I'll watch the boy."

* * *

"Vixie, oh thank god you're alright!" Claire-now at a normal height-hugged her daughter. "What happened?"

"Mommy, I can't breathe."

"Breathing is overrated, dear. Now tell me wha-"

"Oh Claire, for goodness sakes, let the child breathe!" Elizabeth cut her off.

"Fine." She let go.

"Th-OUCH, CAN'T BREATHE!!!!"

"Don't you ever do this again, you understand me?!" Vaati held onto his daughter. "I don't care if you're dared into this, do you know how stupid that was?"

"D-Daddy, I can't breathe."

"What is it with you two and not allowing your daughter to breathe?" Xander questioned. "Child abus-OW!'

Claire took off her other shoe. "Open your mouth and you are so de-"

"I see you've found your daughter. Pity, I was hoping I'd be here for this moment." Dark Link gracefully walked over to the group.

Link glared at him. "Shado-"

"You have me mistaken for a non-creative copy of myself. My name is Dark. I am the original darkside of you." He smirked. "Vaati just didn't have a big imagination."

Vaati let go of his daughter. "You filth, how dare you kidnap my daughter! I-"

He suddenly disappeared.

"...What the hell?" Crims frowned. "What a cowar-"

"CAN'T BREATHE, AGAIN!" Vixie shrieked as she was pulled down into the shadows.

Claire clutched her daughter's wrist, holding on tightly. "Let go of her! Vaati, do something!"

"I can't! I might hit her."

"Let g-"

Dark Link reappeared at the oppisote direction of where he once stood. "Now that I have the upper hand once more...I want a large sum of rupees in exchange of your daughter. How does five silvers sound?"

"We don't have any rupees!" Claire shouted. "Give her back!"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk. You honestly believe that I'd give back a fine treasure as such that I have found? Hmph, never! Although...I may reconsider if for the right prize." He appeared next to Claire, caressing her cheek. "You're quite valuable, yourself. Is your husband willing to give you up?"

Vaati smacked his hand away. "Don't even think about it."

"Well, I'm sure we could come up with something, now." He glanced warrily at his light and heroic side-who clutched his sheathe, waiting for the oppurtune moment to shrike. "You're far too annoying and would escape all too quickly." Another glance, in Crims' direction. "...Something about you just screams shrieky." Elizabeth. "Scolding." Rai. "Boring." Xander. "Ilk, I don't even want to think of the trouble that I'd have with you."

Rai glared at Dark. "I am not boring!"

"And I am not scolding."

"Actually, my wife is scolding."

"XANDER!"

"Scolding hot!" Xander held a thumbs-up.

"...Yeah, I definatly don't want you." Dark yawned. "What a terrible selection!"

Link charged at Dark Link, Vaati tossing a ball of energy at the villain.

Dark dodged the two by simply side-stepping, another yawn coming from him. "I wouldn't do that if I were you. You wouldn't want Vixie to be trapped forever, now, would you? She lies within my shadow-blocked by a force much greater than you, Vaati-and if I were to die...well...so would my shadow, including everything in it."

Vaati gritted his teeth. "You're a coward, Dark Link. Using my daughter so I don't harm you? Pathetic."

"Cowards always win."

Claire sighed and took a step foward. "If I come with you, you promise to let my daughter go, along with my husband?"

"They'd have twenty-four hours before I'd hunt them down." Dark nodded.

"...I'll do it."

"Claire, don't do it." Vaati held her arm. "I'm not going to let you leave. I'll figure something out."

"Vaati, there isn't another way." She glanced down at Dark's shadow. "Get everyone out of here as soon as you can. I'm sure Ezlo can put your past self back in his time. I love you, alright? I'd rather not go...but...if it's going to save Vixie, well. Tell Greg that I love him and that I know he'll make me proud and tell Vixie that I couldn't have asked for anything better than her."

"You're not g-"

Dark grabbed Claire, holding her by the waist and slipping her into his shadow. "Time to go! You've said your goodbyes, so, tah. Now...I must take my leave, also. It's been a pleasure doing buisness with you!" He was gone.

Crims' mouth was wide open. "...HE CALLED ME SHRIEKY!"

"YOU MORON, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN OUT? HE JUST TOOK CLAIRE **_AND _**VIXIE!" Rai slapped Crims. "THINK STRAIGHT!"

Xander stared in disbelieve, putting an arm around Vaati. "It's alright, buddy..."

Link sighed, looking down at his feet. "Some hero I am."

Elizabeth clutched her husband's waist, a bit shaken up by everything that had just happened.

Vaati stared blankly at where his wife had once been. "...He took them both."

"Are you okay, Vaati?" Rai spoke quietly.

"HE TOOK THEM BOTH! WHEN I FIND HIM, I AM GOING TO KILL HIM! THAT BASTARD IS DEAD."

He stomped off towards a stump and two seconds later, entered Ezlo's home. "I need a Dark Mirror."

* * *

A/N: (Plays He's a Pirate) Iono why but if I were to play ANYTHING at the end of this chapter, it'd be that song. XD Actually, it'd be this other song I know but I don't remember the name of it. It's a really good song, though. Techno/dance. VERY awesome! It starts out with this sound that I can't place and the keyboard. Then the vocals kick in-it's just vocalizing, no lyrics-where it's "ohhhh oh oh ah" and stuff like that-because eventually it becomes just jibberish. Then the bass comes in! (Is listening to it) Then this guitar that sounds so amazing. And then the drums that just go in like WHAM WHAM-cue vocalizing again-WHAM WHAM, and then the tamberine! I LOVE THIS SONG! Best nine minutes and twenty-one seconds of my life. XD SO, imagine the 'can't place' sound at the part where Claire asks if Dark promises and then the WHAM WHAM coming in when he leaves. It'd go WHAM WHAM right after Vaati says that he needs a dark mirror. Or...you could take the lazy way like Vaati does when it comes to imagination and just put on "He's A Pirate". XD


End file.
